我看完下巴都快笑掉了~

發生在德國一個名為 stopHipHop 的 IRC channel 上，原文出自一個德語論壇：
http://www.stophiphop.de/modules/news/article.php?storyid=184

不過我看不太懂，而且我們偉大的主角的德語也不太好，於是，有人翻譯成英文了：
http://www.totalillusions.net/forum/index.php?showtopic=328&st=0

我來轉一下：

Never guessed this would have gotten this amount of traffic. This is the story about a hacker who had little problems… Original from the german site http://www.stophiphop.de/, story can be found here: http://www.stophiphop.de/modules/news/article.php?storyid=184, please include this link if you repost this anywhere (site might be down, quite a lot of people are reading this). I, Cochrane, did not write this. I only translated it. Some people seem to get that wrong, it was Elch from www.stophiphop.de who first published this log.

In case you don’t speak german (just as this hacker), I’ve tried a little translation to english. I might have made some spelling errors, but the original spelling wasn’t perfect either. The guy really said “buy buy” in the german version. I’ve posted this on the forum on http://www.desertcombat.com before, so if this looks familiar, might be the same. I’ve corrected some mistakes and put the < > back to the right version (The DC forum does not support them). All censoring was done by this particular forum here. Notice that in germany we get DST earlier than in the US.

The story starts (I’m shortcutting here) with an 【Please control your cussing】 insulting everyone on the IRC channel. Most people there believed it was rather funny. To quote him: “we 【Please control your cussing】 satanists victims winos like you in the ass every day” (this did not make sense in german, either. The translator). But it got even more funny.

For information: The dangerous hacker is called bitchchecker and the one being hacked and original author of the comments, who is talking here, is known as Elch. 127.0.0.1 is always the IP-address of the computer you’re currently using, any request there will return to your computer.

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
【bitchchecker】 why do you kick me
【bitchchecker】 can’t you discus normally
【bitchchecker】 answer!
【Elch】 we didn’t kick you
【Elch】 you had a ping timeout: * bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
【bitchchecker】 what ping man
【bitchchecker】 the timing of my pc is right
【bitchchecker】 i even have dst
【bitchchecker】 you banned me
【bitchchecker】 amit it you son of a bitch
【HopperHunter|afk】 LOL
【HopperHunter|afk】 shit you’re stupid, DST^^
【bitchchecker】 shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
【bitchchecker】 for two weaks already
【bitchchecker】 when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
【Elch】 You’re a real computer expert
【bitchchecker】 shut up i hack you
【Elch】 ok, i’m quiet, hope you don’t show us how good a hacker you are ^^
【bitchchecker】 tell me your network number man then you’re dead
【Elch】 Eh, it’s 129.0.0.1
【Elch】 or maybe 127.0.0.1
【Elch】 yes exactly that’s it: 127.0.0.1 I’m waiting for you great attack
【bitchchecker】 in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
【Elch】 Now I’m frightened
【bitchchecker】 shut up you’ll be gone
【bitchchecker】 i have a program where i enter your ip and you’re dead
【bitchchecker】 say goodbye
【Elch】 to whom?
【bitchchecker】 to you man
buy buy
【Elch】 I’m shivering thinking about such great Hack0rs like you
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

What happened is clear: That guy entered his own IP-Adress in his mighty Hack-Tool and crashed his own PC. This way, the attack on my PC was a failure. I was already starting to think that I did not have to worry, but a good hacker never calls it a day. Two minutes later he returned.

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
【bitchchecker】 dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you’d be gone
【Metanot】 lol
【Elch】 bitchchecker: Then try hacking me again… I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1
【bitchchecker】 you’re so stupid man
【bitchchecker】 say buy buy
【Metanot】 ah, 【Please control your cussing】 off
【bitchchecker】 buy buy elch
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

There was a tension in the room… Would he manage, after these two failures, to crash my PC? I waited. Nothing happened. I felt relieve… Six minutes passed by until he prepared the next wave of attack. Being a Hacker, who usually cracks whole data centers, he knew what his problem was now.

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
【bitchchecker】 elch you son of a bitch
【Metanot】 bitchchecker how old are you?
【Elch】 What’s up bitchchecker?
【bitchchecker】 you have a frie wal
【bitchchecker】 fire wall
【Elch】 maybe, i don’t know
【bitchchecker】 i’m 26
【Metanot】 such behaviour with 26?
【Elch】 how did you find out that I have a firewall?
【Metanot】 tststs this is not very nice missy
【bitchchecker】 because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
【bitchchecker】 be a man turn that shit off
【Elch】 cool, didn’t know this was possible.
【bitchchecker】 thn my virus destroys your pc man
【Metanot】 are you hacking yourselves?
【Elch】 yes bitchchecker is trying to hack me
【Metanot】 he bitchchecker if you’re a hacker you have to get around a firewall even i can do that
【bitchchecker】 yes man i hack the elch but the sucker has a fire wall the
【Metanot】 what firewall do you have?
【bitchchecker】 like a girl
【Metanot】 firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it…you girl^^
【He】 Bitch give yourself a jackson and chill you’re letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
【bitchchecker】 turn the firewall off then i send you a virus 【Please control your cussing】er
【Elch】 Noo
【Metanot】 he bitchchecker why turn it off, you should turn it off
【bitchchecker】 you’re afraid
【bitchchecker】 i don’t wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
【bitchchecker】 elch turn off your shit wall!
【Metanot】 i wanted to say something about this, do you know the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that’s an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
【bitchchecker】 shut up
【Metanot】 lol
【bitchchecker】 my grandma surfs with fire wall
【bitchchecker】 and you suckers think you’re cool and don’t dare going into the internet without a fire wall

He calls me girly and says only his grandma would use a firewall. I know that elder people are much more intelligent then younger, but I couldn’t let that rest. To see whether he really is a good hacker I lie and let everything as it is. I don’t have a firewall at all, only my router.

【Elch】 bitchchecker, a collegue showed me how to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
【Metanot】 bitchhacker can’t hack
【Black*TdV*】 nice play on words ^^
【bitchchecker】 wort man
【Elch】 bitchchecker: I’m still waiting for your attack!
【Metanot】 how many times again he is no hacker
【bitchchecker】 man do you want a virus
【bitchchecker】 tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
【Metanot】 lol ne give it up i’m a hacker myself and i know how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you’re no hacker..^^
【Elch】 127.0.0.1
【Elch】 it’s easy
【bitchchecker】 lolololol you so stupid man you’ll be gone
【bitchchecker】 and are the first files being deleted
【Elch】 mom…
【Elch】 i’ll take a look

In panic I started the Windows Explorer, my heart beating faster. Had I under-estimated him?

【bitchchecker】 don’t need to rescue you can’t son of a bitch
【Elch】 that’s bad
【bitchchecker】 elch you idiout your hard drive g: is deleted
【Elch】 yes, there’s nothing i can do about it
【bitchchecker】 and in 20 seconds f: is gone

Yes, true, G: and F: were gone. Did I ever have them? Doesn’t matter, I did not have time to think, I was scared. bitchchecker was comforting me with a music tip.

【bitchchecker】 tupac rules
【bitchchecker】 elch you son of a bitch your f: is gone and e: too

Drive E:? Oh my god… All the games are there! And the vacation pictures! I instantly take a look. Everything still there. But the hacker said it was deleted….

Or isn’t it happening on my computer?

【bitchchecker】 and d: is at 45% you idiot lolololol
【He】 why doesn’t meta say anything
【Elch】 he’s probably rolling on the floor laughing
【Black*TdV*】 ^^
【bitchchecker】 your d: is gone
【He】 go on BITCH

The guy is good: My CD-drive is allegedly deleted! Bitchchecker turned my ancient disk sucker into a burner! But how did he do this? I’ll have to ask him. Some encourage him. He himself is giving advice how to avoid the disaster on my hard drives.

【bitchchecker】 elch man you’re so stupid never give your ip on the internet
【bitchchecker】 i’m already at c: 30 percent

Should I tell him he’s not attacking my computer?

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

Too late… It’s 20:22 when we get the last message of our hacker with the alias “bitchchecker”. We see that he has a “Ping timeout”. We haven’t seen him since then… must be the Daylight Saving Time.

Notice: We are well completely aware that maybe bitchchecker was just playing a game with us. He also claimed to have german as his major field of study.

【bitchchecker】 shut up man i have advanced german

Added by the translator: I completely forgot the last notice - sorry. His german is about as bad as my translation of it (this was intended). Notice that the german expression “Leistungskurs” (the most advanced course you can take in the kind of school that prepares you for university) can not really be translated into english. I tried with “advanced” and “major field of study”, hope it fits.

Someone also made a translation to spanish, you can find it at http://www.aristasweb.net/noticias.php?idn=3119&clase=100
Nichol4s translated it to italian, you can find it at http://www.ngi.it/forum/showthread.php?p=6469535#post6469535

Moto 學園也把它翻了過來~
http://moto.debian.org.tw/viewtopic.php?t=6572

最讓人憤飯的是，stopHipHop 的人居然還爲此做了件 T-shirt，不知道這名偉大的 Hacker BitchChecker 看到後會怎樣？

女性台詞翻譯：

天下的男人没一個好東西 — 我被强奸過

肚子裏的孩子是無辜的 — 我不想做流産

你老公一直都很愛你 — 我昨天勾引他上床，没成功

我不是很隨便的女人 — 買這點東西就想和我上床

我想過普通人的生活 — 我需要性生活

做女人怎麽這麽難 — 我要去靠賣身維生了

爹，女兒對不起你 — 我和仇人上床了，感覺很好

我的内心很孤獨 — 今晚留下來吧

我也有七情六欲 — 七情尤指色情，六欲尤指性欲

我太輕信彆人了 — 我被人騙奸了

還不是為了孩子 — 我改嫁了

瞧你那點出息 — 你床上功夫也太差勁了

我也是個女人 — 我也有性欲

你不體諒女人 — 你上床時只知道滿足自己

只有他對我好 — 只有他能滿足我

你也算個男人 — 你陽萎又早泄

你不懂女人 — 你不掌握床上技巧

你那傻様 — 白癡，主動點呀

我真傻 — 做完忘收錢了

男性台詞翻譯：

你以前的男朋友對你好麽 — 你還是處女麽

孩子，你喜歡這個阿姨麽 — 我娶她做你後媽好不好

我怎麽能咽得下這口氣 — 我老婆讓賤人幹了

請你看在孩子得分上 — 我有了婚外情，又不想離婚

把你們老板娘找來 — 問問老板娘這裏有没有三陪

工作上的壓力很大 — 我對老婆不來電了

我不指望你報答我 — 上床的事先不急

朋友之妻不可欺 — 我確實想上她，可没找著機會

你老婆對你很好 — 和我上床時還想着回家給你做飯

四十多歲的人了 — 性功能不行了

她是我大學同學 — 她是我初戀女友

你最喜歡我什麽 — 我的床上功夫還可以吧

她没有女人味 — 她皮膚粗糙，胸部平平

她是個妓女 — 她寧願和賤人上床，不和我

咱們結婚吧 — 咱們還是先上床吧

她很内向 — 她喜歡男上女下位，叫聲不大

她很迷人 — 她有豐滿的胸部，白皙的大腿

她很豪爽 — 當機立斷說幹就幹，事後决不糾纏

我愛你 — 咱們接吻吧

我真傻 — 光給錢忘了做了

Pierce 最終還是沒能讓主場的父老鄉親們再一次的沸騰，可惜了~

盡管實力強橫，但 Henin 這樣的選手是很不討人喜歡的，頒獎時也不例外。
這個務實的比利時人居然在舉起獎杯，Pierce 淚流滿臉的同時，當著一衆的法國觀衆，再次多謝她的 Sponsor Sony Ericsson，回應的當然也就只有滿場的噓聲了。

今天約了個女網友見面，地點某公園，正值早晨人員稀少。

時間快到時忽然發現肚子疼。詛咒著賣油條的無良小攤，繼續忍著等。疼、很疼、相當疼，急沖去廁所。一番狂轟濫炸後，頓時為之一爽，摸口袋時僵住：沒帶手紙，等會有人進來要張便是，於是等。

二十分鐘後還是沒人進來。

正值深秋，廁所通風條件良好，剛進來時著實贊了一番，現在卻深深地感到風吹屁股涼的痛苦，忍了。
等了網友若干時間，站得疲憊不堪，剛蹲下時著實愜意了一把，現在卻深深地感到雙腿麻冷脹痛的痛苦，忍了。
鼻炎今天剛好，進廁所聞到臭味很是為自己鼻子恢復了嗅覺而高興了一會，現在卻深深地感到肺臟嚴重中毒的痛苦，忍了。

此公園平日遊人就稀少，剛來時頗得意自己把約會之處定於此，現在我這顆心卻是撥涼撥涼的。
忍無可忍，撥出手機，呼叫援兵，接通。這麼一件尷尬的事總不能很露骨地直接朝朋友講吧？於是我們先從天氣聊起，到伊拉克戰局到海馬的繁殖過程到外星球的生命體，說到秦始皇長得什麼樣時我終於覺得機會到了，於是輕啟朱唇羞澀不已地說道：那個，我…….手機傳來悅耳的音樂聲，沒電自動關機，我終於傻了。

等、我等、沒人。
我忽然有種想哭的感覺。

這時候廁所外傳來腳步聲，我精神大振，所謂天無絕人之路，人有悲歡離合，船到橋頭自然直…….
我確信我的思維一下子敏捷了起來，在那人剛剛進來時我便暗運內勁以低沉有力的男中音叫道：“兄弟，借張紙，哥們忘帶紙了。”那人觸電一般叫了起來：“怎麼是男廁所？”接下來念經一般低頭回走：“對不起對不起走錯了走錯了。”原來是個女的走錯門了！一個男人在最脆弱的情況下居然被一個女人看見了！悲憤交加。

十秒後我才知道我錯了，我實在是不應該悲憤的。
十秒後那個女人又在外面叫了起來：“我沒走錯啊，怎麼女廁所裏有男人在裏面？！”
紅，一層一層在我臉上添著色，淚水充盈著我的眼眶，如此悲壯的場面，你想也能想出來。此時內心裏尚存的一絲理智告訴我：機會，稍縱即逝，如果你不抓住，肉體上巨大的痛苦還將繼續。
於是我沙啞著嗓子道：“小姐，扔張紙進來，謝謝！”
當心靈上巨大的痛苦過去後，你會發現，無恥到底也是一種解脫。
一會後，剛買的一份報紙輕輕地被扔了進來，我緊緊地握住這份報紙，緊緊地緊緊地握住，然後使勁用手搓著它，心裏以無比惡毒的語言痛駡著這份報紙的編輯部！這家報紙平時都是普通紙質，今天是它的發行二十周年紀念，全部報紙皆為十六開銅版印刷硬質紙！

提起褲子時又溫柔地安慰自己：幸好今天人少，丟人也不過只有一個女的知道，而且是不認識滴！真是不幸中的大幸。

出了廁所忽然發現外面已經聚集了一大群晨練的大媽，人群前面一位女孩正在仔細地解釋：“各位大媽，等會兒進去，裏面一位先生走錯了，而且沒帶紙，等會進去，馬上就好…….”恰好我氣定神閑地走出來了，當所有的目光都聚集在我身上時，我忽然有一種萬箭穿心的感覺。

我哽咽著對這位女孩說：“謝謝你，謝謝，謝謝…….”
這位女孩大度地一揮手：“沒事，小事一樁。”
臨走時忽然聽見女孩自言自語道：“怎麼小明還沒有來？”

小明，是我的網名。

趙先生一早起來就頭痛的要死…… 因為他前一天晚上喝的爛醉回家。

他強迫自己把疲憊不堪的眼睛睜開，竟然看到床頭上放了一杯水跟幾顆頭痛藥，然後坐起身後又看到了他的衣服已經燙好、疊好在床邊。 因為一起床就看到這幾樣反常的事，所以他決定要起身看一看房子其他的地方有沒有什麼奇怪的事。

他把幾顆頭痛藥吃了。吃的時候突然發現藥下有一張紙條， 紙條上寫著：“親愛的，我出去買菜了， 你的早餐我已經做好放在餐桌上，趁熱吃吧，我愛你。”

趙先生一頭霧水的走進了廚房， 然後就真的看到了熱騰騰的早餐在桌上還有當天的早報。
他看著在吃早餐的兒子問：“兒子啊，昨天到底發生了什麼事？”

趙先生的兒子回答：“嗯……你淩晨三點跌跌撞撞、大吼大叫的回了家。把幾個家俱給打壞踹壞，然後又很聰明的在走廊上撞了牆壁幾下，送給自己一個黑眼圈！”

趙先生越來越不明白，又問了 ：“那為什麼家裏給打掃的那麼乾淨然後你媽又給我做了熱騰騰的早餐？！”

兒子恍然大悟：“你是在問那個喔！媽昨天看到你醉死的回家， 一肚子火的把你拉到房間裏， 然後想把你的髒衣服換掉，結果在脫你褲子的時候你罵了她一句：喂，小姐，你他媽的滾遠一點，我已經結婚了！”